RED BLUE ARMY FORUM

Chappie · Major

Joke's

Chappie · Major

2 O.A.P's having oral sex...He says "I can't go down there, it stinks!". She says "Its my arthritis". "What in your fanny?" "No in my arm, I can't wipe my Arse!" biggrin

wob · Captain

Very good!

FATBOY · Colonel

A bloke parks in a disabled parking space, only to be seen by the parking warden. The warden is baffled, as he doesn't see anything wrong with the bloke. So he goes over to the man, and has a word.

"Excuse me sir, this is a disabled parking space, and you don't look disabled to me. What's your disability?"

The bloke replies....

"I've got tourette's, now **** off you c**t!"

Chappie · Major

LMAO!!!

wob · Captain

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lords cricket ground. "Hows it going?" he asked. "Fine" came the answer, "we've got three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. The last one was a duck aswell!" biggrin

-- Edited by wob at 00:20, 2007-12-20

Chappie · Major

Very good!!! biggrin

wob · Captain

Paddy on death row gets the chance to be hung,shot or injected with AIDS. He says, "give me that AIDS stuff". They inject him & he rolls round the floor laughing. The warden says, " whats so funny Paddy?"....

paddy says...."I'm wearing a fukkin condom"

biggrin

scottmfc6 · Lance Corporal

Thats a belter

Aldershot Fan · Sergeant

Two men in an airport bump into each other,
1st man says "cant see my wife"
2nd man replies "cant find mine either, wat yours look like?
1st man says " shes 5"10, blonde, big tits, wearing a miniskirt, stockings, high heels and a boob tube. What bout yours?"
2nd man replies "**** her, lets look for yours!"

ScOtTy BoY · Captain

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. with a voice in the background "step on thoes you fat twat!"

-- Edited by ScOtTy BoY at 20:30, 2008-02-11

Bagshot Bob · Lieutenant

Husband and wife at breakfast. Wife is cooking the eggs, and husband sat down reading the paper. Wife remarks that she is thinking of having a breast enlargement. Husband immediately puts down newspaper and tells her that they can't afford the several thousand pounds it would take. The wife pleads with him, saying it will be money well spent.
So the husband says to her, ''why don't you take some toilet paper and just keep rubbing it gently between your tits, over and over again''
The wife asks ''well how will that make my tits grow?''
Husband says, ''I don't really know, but it seems to have worked brilliantly on your arse!''

chris woods · Lieutenant

wob wrote:

Paddy on death row gets the chance to be hung,shot or injected with AIDS. He says, "give me that AIDS stuff". They inject him & he rolls round the floor laughing. The warden says, " whats so funny Paddy?"....

paddy says...."I'm wearing a fukkin condom"

I heard that one the other day, must've got round a lot.

Chappie · Major

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over......

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

biggrin

Chappie · Major

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks them into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on special offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says. 'Put them back, we can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE!.'

biggrin

wob · Captain

Haha!! Thats class!

Sam Jones · Corporal

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker.

"What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
biggrin

Tim · Captain

why did the pervert cross the road??? ..........

............because he couldnt get his knob out of the chicken! biggrin

Chappie · Major

to the Essex girl joke!!! biggrin

Sam Jones · Corporal

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked would he ever go down on one knee again.
In one reponse he replied, "I'd prefer if you called her Heather."

FATBOY · Colonel

Taken from a mate....

"theres an irish man, english man and indian man, they all got 1 wish, irish man wishes for a pot of gold, the indian man wishes for a wall around his muslim coutry so the english cant get in and the englishman said **** it, fill it with water"

Tim · Captain

A guy called dave works in a supermarket. his boss tells him that his wife has gone into labour early...his boss then tells him that the nurse that rang up left him a direct number to ring. then his boss tells dave to ring his wife......

unfortunately, the boss has the number written down wrong! dave gets through to the local cricket club.....

he asks how its going. a woman on the other end says "....ohh fine. weve got 8 out already and the last one was a duck!"

hahahaha....... biggrin

FATBOY · Colonel

wob wrote:

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lords cricket ground. "Hows it going?" he asked. "Fine" came the answer, "we've got three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. The last one was a duck aswell!"

-- Edited by wob at 00:20, 2007-12-20

Tim wrote:

A guy called dave works in a supermarket. his boss tells him that his wife has gone into labour early...his boss then tells him that the nurse that rang up left him a direct number to ring. then his boss tells dave to ring his wife......

unfortunately, the boss has the number written down wrong! dave gets through to the local cricket club.....

he asks how its going. a woman on the other end says "....ohh fine. weve got 8 out already and the last one was a duck!"

hahahaha.......

Taxi.....

wob · Captain

there was 2 beggars on the streets of london, one named abdul, and one named paddy, they both looked in there hats and abdul's was overflowing with ten pound notes, and paddys only had a few copper coins, paddy said "how do you do it abdul?" abdul replied "compare my sign to yours" so paddy read his sign which said "help a poor man, family of 6 to feed" and then he read abduls sign "I only need another £10 to get back to ****stan"

baz · Lieutenant

A new map of the world has been drawn. The north pole is at the top, the south pole is at the bottom, and every other ****in pole is in England !

Gaz Etherington · Lieutenant

haha classic

BenSmith · Lieutenant

A woman goes on holiday to Jamaica and meets a black man and has great sex. Afterwards she asks his name, "snow" he replies. The woman starts laughing, "why are you laughing" said the bloke. "I'm thinking of my husband, he wont believe me when i tell him i had ten inches of snow in the Caribbean!"

-- Edited by BenSmith at 13:56, 2008-04-02

BenSmith · Lieutenant

A man has a £50 note tattooed on his cock. His wife says "why have you done that?" He replies "I like to see my money grow, I like to play with my money, I like having money in my hand and last but not least, the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home to do it!"

baz · Lieutenant

The owners of the house that was destroyed by a plane in kent have issued a statement saying ' next time they go on holiday they will turn the landing light off '

sxcboyadz · Corporal

A man has a £50 note tattooed on his cock. His wife says "why have you done that?" He replies "I like to see my money grow, I like to play with my money, I like having money in my hand and last but not least, the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home to do it!"
biggrin

quality