RED BLUE ARMY FORUM

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke behind a gravestone.
I said Morning,
He replied " No just having a sh1t "

Micheal jackson has shut down his neverland adventure park for children. He has since opened up a new one called Jurassic park........

This appeals more to the children because each time they go in they get a Mega-sore-arse! lol

**** sake, it werent that bad! lol.....i tried

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bull****ting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car
It later turned out to be a tax disc.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on the wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're going?
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I think I'd better leave,"

The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the Dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go.."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Arsenal fan?"

"Because my mum is an Arsenal fan, and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Copy and Paste

=]

**NEWSFLASH**

A new brand of vokda has just been introduced across Europe.

It's called Terry's: Bottled in Moscow.

What about Anelkas or Ronaldos though?

Spcially Ronaldos, cockey, aragont, missed. =]

FATBOY and Tim wrote:

---

**NEWSFLASH**

A new brand of vokda has just been introduced across Europe.

It's called Terry's: Bottled in Moscow.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Anybody hear about the John Terry Vodka that has just been released?

Brewed in London, Bottled in Russia

---

As you would say tim.....

01252 333555...


Velcro, what a rip off.

----

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A £20 note

---

Englishman, American, Chinese-man, and an Indian on a train. The Chinese man throws his noodles out the window and says "we've got way too many of them in our country, American throws money out the window and goes "we've got way to much of this in our country" Then the indian threw some rice out the window and said "we've got way to much of this in our country" Then the englishman threw the indian out.





-- Edited by YateleyShot at 18:31, 2008-05-24

A bloke is about to get married to his fiance, so the bride's sister, who is incredibly fit, invites him round to make sure all the invitations look alright.

As the bloke sits down, the daughter gives him a seductive stare, and goes "Dave, I've always thought you were incredibly good looking, and I've always liked you. So, if you still want to get down to it, before you get tied down to my sister, I'll be upstairs waiting for you."

The bloke sits there, thinking to himself, thoughts running through his mind. Whilst he sits thinking, the sister takes off her underwear, and throws it down to him.

Thoughts still running through his mind, the bloke gets up, and legs it to the front door. He open the front door, and there stands the bride's family. "Well done, you've passed the test! Now we know you're the right man for our daughter!" says the bride's father.

Moral of this story?

Always keep condoms in the car!

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

Wife moaning to husband, "you never take me anywhere expensive anymore."
"get your coat on" he said
"where are you you takinging me." "to the f@@king petrol station"

Scientist have succesfully mated an octopus and a P@ki.....
The octaP*ki is still an ugly, stinking bastard,
but f@ck me can it stack shelves.

-- Edited by baz at 09:58, 2008-06-29

Shag.....funny word isnt it?? to a smoker its a type of tobacco. to an american its a dance. to an ornethologist its a bird, and to you....its just a remote possibility!







If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?? you only get laid once, you only get eaten once. it takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft. you share your box with 5 other guys but worst of all the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother! so cheer up chicken, your life aint that bad.....